Beyond anything.....

I am lost.
Tired.
Confused.
Withdrawen.
Sad.
Dissapointed in myself.
Looking for something that isn't there.
Needing a miracle.
Needing a fairy god mother.
Needing to RUN!
RUN AND RUN AND RUN AND RUN AND RUN..........

But I don't have the drive, or the help. When I want to go run, I can't. Either I have no one to watch the kids, or I am in the middle or something else. (job #1, Job #2, laundry, hospital, EVERYTHING.)

I am upset for Jeff. I shove back all the pain and emotions for 5 days. Then, the weekend hits and we go see him. So, it starts to run over, so I stiffle it some more. I don't want my kids to see me like this. They are not handling it well. My husband is doing the same. Only, instead of work, he has school. (Same thing) And he takes care of the farm, the animals, building things for animals,......... We can't sleep well, we can't talk well (someone always snaps at the other) Our kids are a mess, trying to deal with us and understand everything.

LIFE JUST SUCKS.

I can't cook, can't clean, can't play outside, can't run. Can't.

OKC is a week from Sunday. I don't see myself meeting my goal. I hope to match the last run. I hope to finish. I hope to pull the last bit of any "fun" I can from my body and enjoy my family. And my sis-in-laws family.

I feel like softball isn't even much of a "safe zone". I can feel my really emotions doing that too.

God, help me find some reflection of myself somewhere. And soon.